Remember Child Custody is About the Children – Not As a Weapon of Divorce — Modern Weapons

Remember Child Custody is About the Children – Not As a Weapon of Divorce — Modern Weapons

Okay, here is the scoop. I am a product of divorce and I have had a divorce. My mother’s divorce was brutal for my brother and I. My older sister was from an earlier marriage and divorce. According to all involved, that divorce was none to civil either. To my mother’s defense, her second divorce was not due to her. My father is the one that used us to his ends. Their divorce lasted five long years.
My brother and I went back and forth as my father demanded. My mother never prevented him from seeing us. She was between a rock and a hard place. She had no choice. If she did not then my father would have called foul and we would have been taken away from her. My father held all the cards. He had all the money and the lawyers. He paid child support when he felt like it and my mother had to deal with it.
My mother made barely enough for the four of us. It became so bad that we were sent to live with relatives, until my mother could get things together financially. My father agreed only if he could contact us whenever he felt like it, no exceptions. He would call early mornings on weekends, late night of weekdays, showed up unannounced, would send for us when my mother had planned to do something with us. Anything that he could do that hurt and punished my mother, he would do.
As a child I knew that something was wrong but all that my mother would do is shake her head and say that my father loved us very much. She refused to follow my father’s lead. Whenever he took us, she would always put a good spin on it. Each time my father did something, he would wait for my mother’s response. If no response then he would buy or do something outrageous.
That is how we had the first high tech stereo in our neighborhood, a working microscope, a television in each of our rooms, a computer, scientific calculator, expensive clothes, trips outside of the US, and so much more. I knew that it might not be the nicest thing in the world to take the gifts, but the excitement of having brand new items before everyone else was more than we could bear.
I remember the love for my father and my mother and just wishing that things would stop being so painful.
When the divorce was final, I saw a different person in my mother, one that was happy and free. I saw her try new things and throw off my father’s rules. I saw my father try and fail to recapture my mother’s pain.
When I saw these things I vowed never to forget them. When I got married, I believed that I would be married forever. That did not happen.
I was scared because my husband was just like my father. Things were made worse because we had a child together. I indeed did remember. I went looking for the best lawyer that I could afford without making my husband suspicious. It took me about three months but I knew that I had to be prepared. Before I signed the lawyer’s retainer, I gave my marriage one last chance. My husband’s response was to leave me at home without transportation and no money for three days.
I survived by my wits and signed the papers to start divorce. I remembered my past, and I refused to paint my daughter’s father as the bad guy. When he would try to use her in a power play, I would remove her to an objective party. I set rules that he would break and then I would talk with him offline. I never maligned him in front of her.
Staying calm was very difficult but I knew that he would only turn around and use it against me with our child. I knew that she would be confused enough. I worked very hard in making sure that she would not be hurt. Yes, I wanted to be free of my abusive husband, but my daughter was always number one. Work, family and friends were second to my daughter.
Everything that I did, I did with her in mind. When he requested to visit with her, I let him but I stayed nearby in the neighbor or followed close behind. When he made his late night calls, he got my answering machine. When he would drop by unannounced, I let him see her except if it was real late. If he showed up at the sitter’s house I would leave work to be there to watch what was going on.
Was it hard?? Hell yes, but my daughter was always worth any pain that I endured.
It took six months for our divorce to become final. I won sole custody. How? I let him be the idiot that I knew he could be. I documented everything he said, did, or went. I wrote down when he paid his child support and then when he bounced the checks. I saved everything that he sent me good and bad. When the time came, I showed them to the lawyer, who showed the judge. That’s how I won.
When I hear about friends and family facing divorce, I cry. Both sides have forgotten that the most important thing is the children. Yes, we all deserve to be happy but not at the expensive of our children. They are what matters the most, always. No exceptions. Your child did not ask to be here anymore than you did. You are responsible for their happiness until they can make their own happiness.
As adults, we forget what it means to be a child. We forget what it feels like to have no say and no recourse. As adults, we need to remember that our children are children, not weapons of divorce. We may be having a difficult time but the children are having their world torn apart into millions of pieces.
Divorce changes their life’s, and affects them well into adulthood. What you do, say, and how you handle things will stay with them forever.
Yes, it is very difficult to remain calm and not retaliate, but that is what you must do. The freedom that you will feel is the gift to yourself but it must be delayed until after the divorce is final. Remember, your children depend on you to show them the right way to handle situations. Remember their happiness depends on you and what you do.
How is my daughter? Well she had the chance to be a kid. She is a happy, well adjusted child, with her life ahead of her. She remembers little of the divorce because I refused to involve her in the tug of war. I made it clear the “war” was not to be about her. I kept it between my husband and I.
Today there are many, many places to go for help in a divorce. Remember that when you go looking for a lawyer, look for one that is willing to give you advise, and is willing to take what evidence you have. Most importantly, look for one who has your child’s happiness as top priority.
I have written a couple of articles/ad about a group that might be very useful if you are involved in a divorce. They have a wealth of information that will help you to keep your child out of your war with your spouse. They even have ways to help you when your other half brings your child into the “war”. They explain about the rights of everyone involved, including grandparents.