Thinking of Placing Your Baby for Adoption? Think very hard.

[Birth Mother,] First Mother Forum: Thinking of Placing Your Baby for Adoption? Think very hard.:

YOU WANT THE BEST FOR YOUR BABY AND YOU’VE HEARD THAT PLACING YOUR BABY FOR ADOPTION WITH AN OLDER, WEALTHIER COUPLE IS BEST.

The truth is according to child welfare experts that in most cases staying with you, his mother, is the best for your child.

Your body is preparing for your baby to come into the world and preparing you to care for him. Your breasts will produce antibodies to help your baby ward off disease, antibodies that he can only get from your milk. Once your baby is here, all your instincts will tell you to nurture him.In fact, your body makes a hormone (oxytocin) to assure that you will bond with your baby and be flooded with love for him.

Your baby knows your voice; your scents, your movements. When he is born, he wants to be with you.

Your baby will look like you and his father. He will share your interests and talents. Adoptive parents will be strangers to him. Yes, in time he can bond with them, but it will different than if he were living with his natural family. Adoptive parents may be able to give your child more material goods--but they can’t replace you.

No first time mother-to-be feels ready to nurture her child. You can prepare yourself just as adoptive parents will have to do.

You may have heard that giving up your baby will increase your chances of finishing school and having a career. Babies are demanding, but the truth is that most teen moms and their children end up doing just fine. Most find help they didn't imagine was available. It can be tough at first--but we’ve never met a single mom who regretting keeping her baby, and we've met and talked to many, many moms who regret giving up their baby. We use that language here--giving up--because that is what it is. You give up your baby, even if your social worker is talking about how brave you are for making an adoption plan so that your baby can "have a better life."

What you are probably not hearing from the social worker is that individuals who are adopted generally suffer--from the loss of their birth parents, and the loss of cultural and family connections, the loss of security of knowing they belong exactly where they are. Many struggle with issues of identity, abandonment and self-esteem all through their lives to varying degrees, even if their adoptive parents are wonderful people. They are not the people your child will grow up looking like. No matter how many times your child is told that you gave him up because you loved him, so that he could have a better life, he may feel abandoned, and that he was not "good enough to keep."

Adoptive parents are not "special" although they may appear so in adoption agency advertisements, where they are advertising themselves so they look "special" so that you will choose them. Remember, adoptive parents, like other people, may divorce, lose their jobs, have health problems, abuse alcohol and drugs.

The only person who can be sure that your child has the love and nurturing you want for your baby is you.

RESOURCES THAT CAN HELP YOU CAN RAISE YOUR BABY
Start by talking to your parents and your baby’s father’s parents. Your parents may be upset about your pregnancy, but parents often come around when they stop thinking of “the problem” and start thinking of their grandchild. If your parents or your baby’s father’s parents can’t help, talk to other family members, your school counselor, a favorite teacher, your clergyman. You’ll find people who want to help if you just ask.

With a trusted adult, learn about services that can help you give your child a good start in life. These include:
Your school district’s teen parents program.
Parenting classes offered by your county or state health department
Women’s, Infants, and Children’s (WIC) program, offered by your county or state health department WIC provides nutritional foods for you and your baby at no cost to you.
Medical care during your pregnancy and post partum period and medical care for your baby until age 18, through your state or county Medicaid program.
Food stamps, though your county or state welfare department.
Temporary Assistance to Needy Families (TANF) which provides cash assistance, job training, and day care for your child, through your county or state welfare department.
Low cost housing through your local housing authority.
Education after high school, through community colleges and four year schools which have scholarships for student parents and day care for their children.

BEFORE CONTACTING AN AGENCY OR ATTORNEY
Adoption agencies and attorneys make their money from people who want a child. Even if the agency is a non profit, it charges fees to cover salaries (often $100,000 per year for top agency officials), marketing, and office expenses. People who work in adoption are often adoptive parents, or people thinking of adopting. They may be highly ethical—although some are not--but they are looking at adoption through the eyes of someone who wants the child of another woman. It is the business they are in; you are supplying the product they deal in.

Adoption agency employees and attorneys cannot know the grief and loss you’ll feel when your child leaves your arms. While the immediate loss is the worst--those baby-love hormones are still pumping through your body--the grief lasts a lifetime. Sometimes it’s not too bad, and other times it's likely you’ll go into a deep depression. Holidays are likely to be difficult; so are family gatherings, the child's birth month, your own birthday. Giving up your child will also affect your parents, your siblings, other family members, and the children you may have in the future. And often the loss of one child triggers so much long-lasting sorrow that the thought of having another seems too depressing and difficult, and women who give up their children have a high incidence of not having another.

Talk to other mothers who have lost their babies to adoption. You may find a mother in your area by calling Concerned United Birthparents (CUB), 1-800-822-2777, www.cubirthparents.org. Read mothers’ stories on the Origins-USA website, www.origins-usa.org. Read our page, Response to The Adoption Option, to learn about the impact of surrendering a child. Or you can look through our posts here and read the comments of other first/birth mothers and adult adoptees. Do remember that you are not a birth mother or first mother until you actually sign the relinquishment papers, and if you are already working with an adoption social worker, do not let her refer to you like that. You are the baby's mother, period. Calling you a birth mother before your baby is born will make you feel as if you’re carrying a baby for someone else. You are not anything but a mother in waiting until you sign the relinquishment papers.

You may meet mothers who say they did the right thing in giving up their babies, and you can also find them on the Internet. No matter what the influences were that led to giving up their children, it was still heart-breaking. If you read their posts carefully, you'll see the grief pouring through their words.

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