(Adoptive) Mother and child breakup?

Published: July 2, 2010
Updated: July 3, 2010 2:57 p.m.
Mother and child breakup?
By GREG HARDESTY
THE ORANGE COUNTY REGISTER

Stacey Doss of Rancho Santa Margarita gets a smooch from her adopted daughter Vanessa, 2. The single mom is enmeshed in an interstate custody battle after Vanessa's dad emerged and now wants his daughter back. Doss has launched an online "Operation Vanessa" campaign to win support for her side.


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She's 2.
"Oh, Nessie," said her adoptive mother, Stacey Doss, cradling the girl against her chest. "It's all about you, isn't it?"
Doss then paused, remembering the legal quagmire she's been in since adopting Vanessa at birth from an Ohio mother.
"If all the adults can remember it's all about you," Doss told Vanessa, "we'll be in good shape – won't we?"
That was Doss on Thursday morning.
By Friday, just after noon, Doss wasn't in such good shape. She was facing the prospect of having her happy world with Vanessa blown apart.
•••
For most of the past two years, Doss, 45, a single mother in Rancho Santa Margarita, has been embroiled in a bitter interstate child-custody battle with Vanessa's biological father. It's a costly and stressful situation that Doss never envisioned when she adopted Vanessa through a private agency shortly after her birth on June 13, 2008.
For Doss, becoming a mother capped years of frustration. She and her ex-husband tried unsuccessfully to get pregnant. Numerous fertility treatments didn't work. The couple divorced 3 ½ years ago.
Then Doss, a public relations consultant, decided that being a single mother meant more to her than finding the perfect guy or buying the nicest outfit.
But even as she finalized the adoption papers in Ohio, a hint of trouble surfaced.
Benjamin Mills Jr., 39, of Dayton, Ohio, came forward, saying he was Vanessa's biological father. Mills also is the father of two other children with Vanessa's birth mother, and two other children.
Mills' claim surprised Doss. She had been told that the birth father wasn't in the picture, that Vanessa was, in fact, the product of a one-night stand. A DNA test later proved Mills' paternity, and the legal battle escalated.
Mills and Vanessa's birth mother have had a contentious relationship for years. According to court records, Mills in 2005 was convicted of domestic violence in an incident involving Vanessa's birth mother. He was sentenced to a year in prison. It was Mills' third domestic violence conviction.
And, according to the Dayton Daily News, children's services officials in Montgomery County, Ohio have an open case involving Mills' older children.
Mills' claims of paternity came early enough that Doss' adoption of Vanessa was never finalized. As a result, the child technically is in the custody of Montgomery County Social Services. The agency has allowed the girl to live with Doss in Orange County virtually all of Vanessa's life.
Last week, an Ohio judge ordered that Vanessa be returned to Montgomery County where she would be put in foster care until the custody case is settled. Doss filed an emergency appeal to block that order, but on Friday an Orange County judge granted jurisdiction of the case to Montgomery County.
Doss has until July 16 to convince an appeals court to reverse that ruling. If she can't, Vanessa will be sent to Ohio.
Financially and emotionally drained, Doss doesn't want to consider that prospect. She says removing Vanessa from her home, and from the only mother she has ever known, would "devastate" the child.
"She's my daughter," Doss says. "Whatever I need to do, I'll do."
•••
Vanessa wanted her lavender blanket.
Seconds later, she wanted to use her mother's bed as a trampoline.
Then she wanted to color on the balcony and play with Raymond, the family dog.
Doss calls Vanessa her "uber baby." Strong, coordinated and athletic, Vanessa was walking at 10 months.
"She never gets sick," Doss says. "When the nurse gave her a flu shot, she was looking at her like, 'Is that all you got for me?'"
Doss took Vanessa for a ride on her new scooter. Then the two searched for rabbits on the lawn outside their townhome. Vanessa screamed for cookies. Then Doss caved, and gave her some.
Everyday stuff.
•••
Doss recoils at the thought of Vanessa being sent to foster care and, possibly, into the custody of her biological dad.
Doss doesn't believe Mills genuinely wants to parent Vanessa; she believes he sees the child as "property." She notes that his other four children live with his mother and an ex-wife.
Doss also believes Mills also has made the custody battle a race issue. He is black. She is white. The birth mother is white. Doss said Mills told her he believes Vanessa should be raised in an African-American family.
Mills' attorney, Elizabeth Gorman of Legal Aid of Western Ohio, has declined to comment and said that Mills isn't speaking publicly about the case.
Among other issues, judges in Ohio and California have had to grapple with jurisdictional questions and whether the child-custody dispute falls under probate or family courts.
Since she's had trouble getting the adoption finalized, Doss tried to win permanent legal rights as Vanessa's mom by filing for guardianship – a strategy that failed.
All of the legal maneuvering has cost Doss dearly. She's in the process of hiring her seventh attorney between both states.
Doss has spared no expenses to keep Vanessa.
She cashed out her 401 (k)) and other retirement funds, as well as savings accounts. Twice, her townhome has slipped into foreclosure. Doss even sold her wedding ring.
Through a website she set up, Operation Vanessa, Doss has managed to raise about $10,000 from friends, family and strangers – all of whom believe Vanessa should not be separated from her mother.
•••
"Nincompoop! Nincompoop!"
Vanessa can say that big word, but has trouble with easier ones.
Doss laughs when she squeals the word out again.
Birthday cards for Vanessa fill a kitchen counter. Toys fill a box in the living room.
The thought of losing Vanessa literally has made Doss sick with stress-induced issues. She says her hair fell out several months ago.
With each court hearing, Doss says she has learned to avoid getting too down, or to let her expectations get too high. She's learned to take each day as they come – and cherish every second with Vanessa.
After Friday, she'll be cherishing her even more. The days may be limited.
"She's my daughter," Doss says. "I will never let her go."
Contact the writer: 714-704-3764 or ghardesty@ocregister.com

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