Christmas Story - "If Mary Had Really Loved Her Baby" by Laurie Frisch
Adoption does not end at the time a baby is adopted. The effects of separation on family members last a lifetime. I have re-written the Christmas story to show what might have happened if an adoption agency and "open" adoption had been around when Mary was pregnant.
I'll start after Mary was approached and asked to be the Mother of God. After she agrees to it.
Mary discovers that she is indeed pregnant and tells her parents. They are very angry and especially angry that she has lied to them about the baby's father - and it's such an obvious lie! It makes them furious that she shows no remorse and indeed seems to enjoy being pregnant. She wants to talk about her baby and seems proud. Her brothers and sisters roll their eyes. They are all embarrassed.
Mary is concerned about her child. She is betrothed, but Joseph seems uncertain about the baby and does not seem to totally trust her story. He is really a great guy and decides to stick by her anyway. Still, Mary is concerned about how her family and her future husband will treat her child. Some have treated her very badly and even the best of them have not offered to help much. In private, her mother yells constantly, telling her to quit lying about it and calling Mary a slut. She demands to know who the baby's father is and threatens to kill him. In public, her mother pretends to be supportive.
Mary is rather young. She does not know what to say to her mother in response to her ranting and raving. She imagines the things her mother might say to her child later.
Mary goes to her church counseling services to discuss things.
Mary's mother goes along, to give the appearance of being supportive. She really does want to be supportive, but she's afraid that if she says anything that sounds supportive, it may make it difficult for her daughter, who seems willing to do anything in the interest of her child.
Her mother asks the social worker if it isn't a very traumatic thing for a mother to give away a child. The social worker tells her it is a loving thing to do and that the girls who give their babies away give them away because they come from loving homes and they want their child to be loved also. Mary's mother tells Mary this.
Mary does not react, although it's obvious to both of them that the way Mary is being treated is not what you would call loving. So far, everything she's told her mother has tripped off a bomb and she doesn't want to trip off another one by stating the obvious. And it's true – Mary does want her baby to be loved. She would do anything for her baby if she thought it was the right thing, no matter what the consequences to her. "If you really love him, you'll give him up," the social worker insists.
Joseph does not know what to say. He has decided to marry Mary anyway, but he thinks it should be her decision what to do with her baby. He does not tell her what he is really thinking - that he would actually like to keep the baby - although he is very affectionate toward Mary. He wants to do what is best for her.
Mary gets to select the people who will raise her child and even gets to meet them. They seem like such wonderful people, she's sure they will love her child. They promise to send a picture of him and a letter every year, through the agency.
It is census time and Mary and Joseph go to Bethlehem. They get in late and can't find a hotel. Luckily, someone offers them a spot in a barn, which is at least out of the wind and the animals' body heat will help warm the place. They are both very thankful for a place to rest, for the baby is on it's way.
When the child is born, Mary asks Joseph to tell the church social worker. She holds her baby, but is afraid to spend too much time with him. He is a beautiful child. He is God's child, even though other people can't see it, she knows it's true. Because she is totally crazy about the baby, she would have wanted to do the right thing anyway, but she especially wants to do exactly the right thing for God's child. She signs papers and they take the baby.
Her expression is one of anguish. She can't stop crying. Joseph holds her. A shepherd comes by and he says "What are you crying for? You are the one who signed the papers. You didn't want your child." Mary is amazed. How could anyone think she didn't want her precious baby? She can still remember how his little hands were positioned, clasping each other, and the slight fuzz on his back, which was still hunched over from being inside her.
The wise men follow the signs in the sky that direct them to the Savior, right to the house where he is. They bring gifts and celebrate. The baby is distracted, but when they all go away he tries to find his mother – her voice, her smell. She is nowhere to be found. He really squalls and the woman tries to comfort him. She wonders if all babies are like this, but she does not know. She thinks of his mother and feels rather guilty about taking her child.
Some days she wonders. As he grows, he doesn't want to get near her and doesn't seem to trust her, although she always treats him lovingly. He doesn't have a problem getting close to her husband, only to her. He is better when they are around people. He is not afraid she will abandon him in front of people. At night he cries for his mother and when she appears by his little bed, he says he wants his other mother. She was not really prepared for this.
She tells him about his mother and how much she loved him. He is somewhat comforted, but still he often feels that is impossible. How could his mother love him and yet give him away? He feels there is something wrong with him. Maybe his skin is too dark. His mother must hate him. He tries to be perfect, so these people won't abandon him, too.
Meanwhile, Mary and Joseph return home. They eventually have other children and whenever she is pregnant Mary cries, thinking of her first, the one God entrusted to her. She is sure she did the right thing. When the little ones grow and take their first steps, Mary thinks of her other child. Mary thinks of her first child so much that for a while, she neglects the children she has. Eventually she forces herself not to think about it, but at times she just can't help it. She cries and cries and does not sleep, sometimes for days in a row. She's amazed at how well she can function through it all, but she has responsibilities. She hides her pain from Joseph and he is afraid to ask about it.
Many days she has an incredible struggle to get up and get going, but she does it anyway.
The people who adopted her son send Mary a picture and a letter every year to tell her how he is doing. Eventually, they become afraid she might figure out who he is and steal him and they send some very outdated pictures to throw her off. They are afraid to say much in their letters. They don't want to say how well the child is doing and how very much they enjoy having him around, because that might make her feel bad. They can't tell her if anything goes wrong, because then she will definitely come looking for him and want him back. But they feel good that they have done their duty and written a few words. They really do care. The agreement to send pictures and letters is not binding and they know another couple who adopted a child, but never sent a single picture or letter.
They named their baby Samuel and they make sure that he has had all the advantages. Among other things, they feel they owe it to the mother who gave him to them.
When Mary goes home to her parent's house, her mother always mentions her first child and says "We should have kept him. I would have helped you." Mary is traumatized all over again when she hears this. Is her mother trying to torture her? Doesn't she know she should have offered help before the baby was gone? Mary never reacts much – she doesn’t understand why her mother is telling her this. She especially doesn't want her mother to feel guilty – it's obvious her mother feels guilty enough already.
Her other children express an interest in their older brother. They want to meet him and can't understand where he is. Mary has a few pictures of him. They gather around to see. They ask what his name is and Mary says "I named him Jesus." They are satisfied with that name and anyway Mary does not know whether he still has it or not. However, they hate it that they can't contact him and one of the girls cries unconsolably every year because they can't invite her brother Jesus to her birthday party. It's heartwrenching.
When Samuel gets older, he is hard to control. He wants to please the people who adopted him, but he feels he has a mission. He preaches God's word and tells people not to look so much at the letter of the law, but to focus on loving one another.
He has difficulty with that himself, though. When he meets lepers, he is unfamiliar with them and repulsed. He tries to talk, but finds it uncomfortable. He heals some of them, but is too grossed out to touch them. The people who adopted him are wealthy and don't understand why he would want to go anywhere near all these outcasts and indigents and they certainly don't want them in their house. When he meets Mary Magdelene his first reaction is to want to jeer or spit on her, but he controls himself and manages to say some kind words. He does not linger.
Fortunately, he has lots of money for his campaign and garners a lot of support for God's word. He preaches kindness and forgiveness. He tells people that he is the Son of God. Some people laugh, but others are angered by his arrogance. The couple tell him they will disown him if he doesn't stop – it is damaging the their insurance business. They wanted a baby so badly and they try to love him but he is obviously mentally deranged – it must be genetic.
Eventually, he is arrested and sentenced to be crucified. As the nails are pounded into his wrists, he forgives his sentencers and he also forgives his mother, whom he has been so, so angry with. He doesn't understand the anger. He just can't help it. He knows she must have loved him, but it seems impossible and he doesn't feel loved. At one point he wrote to a friend and called his mother "the egg donor" and signed his name "Sam Bastard" in an effort to explain his feelings. He has never told his adopters how he felt. He didn't want to hurt their feelings.
Mary does not know who her son is, but when she sees him on the cross in agony, she sees herself in him. She arrives shortly before he heaves his last breath and when he does, she can no longer breathe, either. They are both put into tombs.
On the third day, Samuel rises up. Amazingly, Mary rises up out of her tomb as well and even rolls back the stone in front of it. She is used to managing things and keeping going, even when it seems impossible.
As they are standing there before an amazed crowd, God takes Samuel up into heaven, saying "This is my Son in Whom I am well pleased." Mary begs to be taken as well. God looks at her and says "My Son has sacrificed himself for the good of mankind. What did you do?" She answers, "I have sacrificed myself for your Son."
He becomes angry and says, "What do you mean? I entrusted my Son to you and chose you specifically to be his mother and you gave him away. I wasn't even sure he would be able to carry out his mission. He was barely able to relate to the poor and he bought those ridiculously expensive jeans in an attempt to fit in with the farmers, a move that totally backfired. It's a wonder his message got through to anyone. If He had not succeeded in raising up Lazarus from the dead, I'm afraid it would have been all over for him."
Mary was distraught. "I gave him away because I loved him", she said. "I was trying to do the right thing and I suffered so much as a result. No one provided help and they said it was the right thing to do."
God just kept saying, "I chose you, Mary. I chose you. You would have been the perfect mother to raise my Son."
Mary was heartbroken. She tried to focus on enjoying her remaining children and Joseph's silly jokes. She also advised the adoption agency and her family about things had been for her – how unnecessary it all seemed now in retrospect and how much pain it had caused. She wanted them to know so they could help others better in the future.
For a time, her family and the people at the agency said to her "You were the one who signed the papers. It was your choice. Get over it." Eventually, they took credit for their role in it. The social services became honest with people about the extreme damage done by separating families. They stopped encouraging people to "shame" (terrorize) single mothers-to-be. They stopped taking healthy babies from naive families at birth and providing them to infertile people, pretending it was the infertile who were "blessed by God". They found other ways to help people that left them feeling good about themselves and their families.
Isabella Brooke Knightly and Austin Gamez-Knightly
In Memory of my Loving Husband, William F. Knightly Jr. Murdered by ILLEGAL Palliative Care at a Nashua, NH Hospital
Sunday, December 19, 2010
The Costs of Child Protection in the Context of Welfare Reform. | NCCIC
The Costs of Child Protection in the Context of Welfare Reform. | NCCIC: "Summary: Summarizes the status of public funding for child protection, contrasts expenditures for foster care versus family services, and traces the links between public assistance and child protection policies. The possibility that the 1996 federal welfare reform law may increase the need for child welfare services and drive up costs of child protection is explored."
Less Than Half of U.S. Teens in ‘Intact Families’
Less Than Half of U.S. Teens in ‘Intact Families’
http://news.newsmax.com/?Z6Iv.Nwa-IOj9QW8CsqKKvQmzXrkblUAZ
Only 45 percent of American teenagers have spent their childhood with an intact family, with both their birth mother and biological father legally married to each other since before or around the time of the teen’s birth, a new report discloses.
The other 55 percent live in single-parent families, stepfamilies, or with adoptive or foster parents, according to the report from the Family Research Council’s Marriage and Religion Research Institute.
“Increased rates of divorce and childbearing outside of marriage have turned growing up in a stable, two-parent family into an exception, rather than the rule, for young Americans,” states the report, titled “The U.S. Index of Belonging and Rejection.”
The report, based on U.S. Census Bureau figures, found a wide disparity in the percentage of intact families among different ethnic groups: 62 percent of Asian-American teens live with both married parents, as do 54 percent of white teens, 40 percent of Hispanic youth, 24 percent of American Indian and Alaskan Native teens, and just 17 percent of African-American youth.
In multiracial families, the figure is 41 percent.
There is also wide disparity in the states: 59 percent of teenagers in Utah live in married two-parent families, as do 58 percent in New Hampshire and 57 percent in Minnesota, compared to 32 percent in Mississippi and 34 percent in Louisiana. In the District of Columbia, the figure is 16 percent.
Dr. Pat Fagan, who produced the report, asserted that the “culture of rejection” affects the entire nation.
“Children in broken homes are more likely to be poor or welfare-dependent,” he said in a statement. “They enjoy less academic achievement and less social development, have more accidents and injuries, and have worse mental health and more behavioral problems.
“The culture of rejection burdens communities with higher levels of poverty, unemployment, welfare dependency, domestic abuse, child neglect, delinquency, crime and crime victimization, drug abuse, academic failure, and unmarried teen pregnancy and childbearing.”
As a result, he added, the United States “experiences increased costs in education, healthcare, mental health and the administration of justice.”
The report warns that America “will not be able to maintain its leadership role in the community of nations unless its parents take a leadership role in the communities they have built: their families.”
http://news.newsmax.com/?Z6Iv.Nwa-IOj9QW8CsqKKvQmzXrkblUAZ
Only 45 percent of American teenagers have spent their childhood with an intact family, with both their birth mother and biological father legally married to each other since before or around the time of the teen’s birth, a new report discloses.
The other 55 percent live in single-parent families, stepfamilies, or with adoptive or foster parents, according to the report from the Family Research Council’s Marriage and Religion Research Institute.
“Increased rates of divorce and childbearing outside of marriage have turned growing up in a stable, two-parent family into an exception, rather than the rule, for young Americans,” states the report, titled “The U.S. Index of Belonging and Rejection.”
The report, based on U.S. Census Bureau figures, found a wide disparity in the percentage of intact families among different ethnic groups: 62 percent of Asian-American teens live with both married parents, as do 54 percent of white teens, 40 percent of Hispanic youth, 24 percent of American Indian and Alaskan Native teens, and just 17 percent of African-American youth.
In multiracial families, the figure is 41 percent.
There is also wide disparity in the states: 59 percent of teenagers in Utah live in married two-parent families, as do 58 percent in New Hampshire and 57 percent in Minnesota, compared to 32 percent in Mississippi and 34 percent in Louisiana. In the District of Columbia, the figure is 16 percent.
Dr. Pat Fagan, who produced the report, asserted that the “culture of rejection” affects the entire nation.
“Children in broken homes are more likely to be poor or welfare-dependent,” he said in a statement. “They enjoy less academic achievement and less social development, have more accidents and injuries, and have worse mental health and more behavioral problems.
“The culture of rejection burdens communities with higher levels of poverty, unemployment, welfare dependency, domestic abuse, child neglect, delinquency, crime and crime victimization, drug abuse, academic failure, and unmarried teen pregnancy and childbearing.”
As a result, he added, the United States “experiences increased costs in education, healthcare, mental health and the administration of justice.”
The report warns that America “will not be able to maintain its leadership role in the community of nations unless its parents take a leadership role in the communities they have built: their families.”
why doesnt santa visit the poor kids or foster kids « I Was A Foster Kid
why doesnt santa visit the poor kids or foster kids « I Was A Foster Kid
santa never visited me when i lived with my bioparents. nope. not once. my brother and i knew santa existed..doesnt every kid? when we went to school we heard that santa visited other kids and bought them presents. some kids got alot and some kids got a few…but santa came to them.
one year, me and my brother asked what we had to do, to be “good” so santa would come to us, and bring us only ONE thing. i wanted a stuffed dog that was soft and my brother wanted a superhero guy, it didn’t matter which one. that’s it. instead we got beaten to a pulp and thrown in a bedroom. santa didn’t come that year.
another year we asked what we had to do for my bioparents so that santa would come to us. they didnt answer at first. we thought they might say clean up, dont bother them, pick up their drugs… traditional things. we tried again….. i wanted a stuffed dog that was soft and well, my brother wanted a superhero guy. the same things. my bio-father told us that if we were good and let him “play”, then santa would come. when your a little kid, it’s pretty hard not to “play” big people’s games especially when they beat the crap out of you or make it hurt worse. no matter how much squirming and moving one does, a big person is always going to win. their size, strength, and possible anger make it hard to escape when your a kid. big people are always going to get their way and get to “play” their games. they got what they wanted from me and my brother. but santa didnt come that year either.
i guess santa doesnt care about poor little kids who get abused hoping he will come and bring a stuffed dog that is soft and a superhero guy…
in foster care, it was variable. right? sometimes santa came, sometimes he didn’t. sometimes i got an art set and sometimes i got a candy bar or sometimes i got nothing. sometimes i was an “Angel Tree Kid” and sometimes i wasn’t. sometimes i was left out of the holiday and sometimes i was included.
i never understood why santa came so randomly. i never understood what i had to do more of, to get him to come. wasnt trying to “be good”… enough? or wasnt forced sex and “playing” big people’s games…enough? what more could a little kid give?
honestly the only thing i ever asked for in foster care from santa was just one thing… this time it wasn’t a stuffed dog that was soft; but it was a FAMILY that would be mine. i would have done anything since i was used to doing anything, for that gift. i guess it was too big. if a stuffed dog that was soft was too big of a gift, i guess a FAMILY was enormous.
i guess santa doesnt care about foster kids who are beaten down and all alone, without a FAMILY.
one would think santa would care about those kids that are having trouble, without anything, all alone, etc…the kids that really need the magic he brings…
…oh but wait, …santa is really your parents
…and they would have to give a shit…
i wish someone had told me that when i was a kid.
santa never visited me when i lived with my bioparents. nope. not once. my brother and i knew santa existed..doesnt every kid? when we went to school we heard that santa visited other kids and bought them presents. some kids got alot and some kids got a few…but santa came to them.
one year, me and my brother asked what we had to do, to be “good” so santa would come to us, and bring us only ONE thing. i wanted a stuffed dog that was soft and my brother wanted a superhero guy, it didn’t matter which one. that’s it. instead we got beaten to a pulp and thrown in a bedroom. santa didn’t come that year.
another year we asked what we had to do for my bioparents so that santa would come to us. they didnt answer at first. we thought they might say clean up, dont bother them, pick up their drugs… traditional things. we tried again….. i wanted a stuffed dog that was soft and well, my brother wanted a superhero guy. the same things. my bio-father told us that if we were good and let him “play”, then santa would come. when your a little kid, it’s pretty hard not to “play” big people’s games especially when they beat the crap out of you or make it hurt worse. no matter how much squirming and moving one does, a big person is always going to win. their size, strength, and possible anger make it hard to escape when your a kid. big people are always going to get their way and get to “play” their games. they got what they wanted from me and my brother. but santa didnt come that year either.
i guess santa doesnt care about poor little kids who get abused hoping he will come and bring a stuffed dog that is soft and a superhero guy…
in foster care, it was variable. right? sometimes santa came, sometimes he didn’t. sometimes i got an art set and sometimes i got a candy bar or sometimes i got nothing. sometimes i was an “Angel Tree Kid” and sometimes i wasn’t. sometimes i was left out of the holiday and sometimes i was included.
i never understood why santa came so randomly. i never understood what i had to do more of, to get him to come. wasnt trying to “be good”… enough? or wasnt forced sex and “playing” big people’s games…enough? what more could a little kid give?
honestly the only thing i ever asked for in foster care from santa was just one thing… this time it wasn’t a stuffed dog that was soft; but it was a FAMILY that would be mine. i would have done anything since i was used to doing anything, for that gift. i guess it was too big. if a stuffed dog that was soft was too big of a gift, i guess a FAMILY was enormous.
i guess santa doesnt care about foster kids who are beaten down and all alone, without a FAMILY.
one would think santa would care about those kids that are having trouble, without anything, all alone, etc…the kids that really need the magic he brings…
…oh but wait, …santa is really your parents
…and they would have to give a shit…
i wish someone had told me that when i was a kid.
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